time to go

cahaya menyelinap lewat jendela
sinarnya membangunkan ku perlahan
aku sudah ingin pulang
namun teman-teman
masih bergoyang, bisa apa aku kawan?


hari sudah pagi
dan aku harus ke gereja nanti
menemani ayah
membuat senyuman palsu
untuk menyenangkan hati tuhan

teringat

lalu aku memikirkanmu
lagi, selalu, always,
lalu aku tersenyum
mengingatmu ibu
tertawa 
tapi
di dalam hati


hanya antara kita
hanyamu ibu yang mengerti
yang memahami dan peduli


saatnya aku sendiri
saatnya aku berdiri
tanpa lagi menoleh 
mencarimu di dalam mimpi

the night

I've been around
I've seen them fall
and pick themselves up again
they are strong
but so am I
they want me
so they can drown
they call out my name
as they dance and clap
they think it must be the music
well I say it must be me
and they know it
they say it
they take it

take me
care for me
nurse me
feed me

all i promise to take
is tomorrow
a day of sunlight
stealing the moonlight
all i will take
is the night

rubah bintik bintik

Menemanimu malam ini
sampai pagi
siapa yang mau peduli?
tak ada lagi!


Cukup mata menutup sementara
cukup rahang bersahutan
cukup gelap dan dentuman
cukup untuk saat ini


Kini aku tak mau sendiri
kini aku akan belok kiri
akan kucari sendiri
matahari


Bila nanti
bila nanti
aku meneleponmu lagi
biar saja 
biar berdering
biar aku melipir
biar aku melintir
biarkan aku mampir

Rudo Y Cursi Review

I watched for two reasons: One is spanish, Two it's got Gael Garcia Bernal in it.  Now that I've watched it, perhaps I should add Diego Luna as the third reason.
There is something about Spanish movies that reminds my of Indonesian movies, something to do with cultural ingrained behavior.  It always involves family, and a bit of myths or superstitions.

Very much like Y Tu Mama Tambien, the story is also about a journey, a coming of age journey of two men.  Rudo and Tato, Tato later becomes Cursi.  Which means camp, or flashy in English.  They are laborers working for a sugar cane (or corn-couldn't tell the difference).  They are born from the same mom but different dad.  Rudo (Luna) is older one, he is a goalie, and is married with two kids.  Tato (Bernal) stars as the younger brother.  A couple of hicks from a nowhere town in Mexico, who are good at playing football.  It is the only thing they have in common, is football that stems brotherhood that stems from the need of belonging to a group.  Apart from that, Cursi is the dreamer who believes the father he never knew was French, which is how inherited the love for singing.  Rudo is uptight, who has a addiction for gambling.

The lives of the two changed when they were picked up by a sleazy talent scout.  They went to Mexico city and work their way up the ladder while getting sucked in for their addiction even more.  Cursi's issue is to be accepted for what he likes best, singing campy songs.  Rudo gambles all he has including his love for football.

The movie is narrated - as all Spanish movies do - by the voice to the scoundrel talent scout, who claims to love football, too.  We see, how badly corrupted football is actually.  We see the family is struggling to keep reaching for their dreams that are spoon fed by evil hands.  It's a story about chasing after your dreams, getting it and paying for your own nature as human beings with flaws.  But they Bernal and Luna played it, makes me not hate them for their fall.  They didn't change in the end, a couple of hicks who ended up as a couple of hicks.
And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Written and Directed by Carlos Cuaron, who brought you Y Tu Mama Tambien.

stay

if we were closer
i wouldve hold you for a bit
instead i let you talked
and walked away
you looked older than you did yesterday
your shoulders slumped
your strides, slow
don't tell me god has other plans
for this plan you made yourself
i'm sorry
you have to keep paying
for your mistakes
i'm sorry
luck wasn't on your side
i'm sorry
there's nothing i can do
i'm sorry you have to stay

20102010

kepada ibu yang sudah pergi

terima kasih untuk makan malam

yang selalu kau sediakan.

tak ada yang lebih nikmat

dari percakapan saat menerima berkat

katamu di suatu waktu

kita hanya punya makan malam bersama

sisanya sudah terisi rencana dengan teman atau kerja

maka dari itu kita harus semeja dan serempak

saat makan malam

hanya saat itu kita sekeluarga bicara

bicara ku kepada ibu

aku rindu makan malam itu.

---------------------------------

Pagi perlahan menjelang

bak kartu pos yang menempel di tembok rumahku

adzan berkumandang, tidak beraturan, bersahutan

jendela memang kubuka

agar asap rokok ini bisa keluar

elektronika masih berputar

aku akan kehilangan malam

lagi lagi di teror siang

lalu terjebak di sudirman

aku akan kehilangan tenang

dan tidak ada pilihan selain menyerah

Selamat pagi, Petang!

---------------------------------

Dimitri

Dimitri, kau menemaniku malam ini

hentakan dan tarian nada

irama tanpa pegangan

naik turun

dan ditahan

lenganku dingin terkena angin

Dimitri, kau berbisik di telingaku

soal basi basi, 

soal sensasi.

-------------------------------------

cerita makan malam

Ku harus menuliskan cerita ini, yang tidak penting tetapi jujur.  Soalnya makan malam yang menguak segalanya.  Tentang harapan yang tersisa dan janji yang diabaikan. aku harus.  Aku  berhutang pada diriku sendiri.

friends

And I look for you, as I have been doing lately.  I expect nothing but passable conversations, to get me through the day.  I intend not to harm, or inflict anything, I remind myself that from time to time.  To cautiously remember where I stand and where you belong.  Talking to you is pleasant, and it gets my mind off things.  I like that, and hope for it to remain just that.  I extend my hand to you, and introduced myself, and I call you my friend.


There are many things I keep, and I demand nothing for you to declare.  I am good with limited knowledge, I like missing puzzle pieces.  I like things scattered and unresolved.  Because that is the nature of things.  Things will always remain as such.  I have been here before, here is this state of connection.  Several occasions with several outcomes.  If I may ask anything of you, is just passable conversations ... 

questions

Now that she's dead, I have a lot more questions to ask her.  That will get me nowhere, first of all, she's dead, second of all, the surviving lot answer differently to the same question.

Whatever my dad can tell me, is one sided.  I have to take into consideration his replies are a form of nostalgia.  Nostalgia is a mixture of what happened, how you feel about it, and what you have already deducted from the course of event.  Is what you wanted to remember, isn't?

Besides, my dad was gone for most part of my life.  My older brother and I stopped talking when she died.  It is like she took our trust and love for each other to the grave.  It is not her fault.  It was simply a realization that dawned upon us, that she was the only reason my brother and I, talk to each other for.  Now the need to talk is no longer there.  Perhaps we need more time.  To reconcile with her death, I know deep down I am still angry at my brother.  For never being there for her when she was sick.  Instead phoned her as she lay on the hospital bed and asked for money.

My sister is the same, we fought before she died and in front of her too.  We were unhappy then, we are just numb now. My sister and I were very close as children, and the we grew up.  We started to like different things.  She grew very fond of crystal meth and I of weed.  Upper VS downer, who do you reckon will win?

So she died, and took with her a piece of my puzzle for the next century.  Perhaps some questions do not need answers, perhaps wondering is part of life.  And peace is part of death

ballad, your

at some point in your span

you just have to make yourself visible

for inspection

just because

hiding in the shadow

playing alone

for too long 

can also attract attention

sometime you just can't lay low

they'll ask, they'll want to know why

they want to know how

they want to ask for how long more

and you sigh

nod

and try to speak

using broken sentences

act like five as if your dumb

when you're only talking about

your future

the words won't come out

they given up before the battle

just you and your soundless thoughts

go face the ballad 

sick

My dad has been sick for two days, same with my uncle.  Hiks.  Tough tough tough, to watch your loved ones get sick, kinda makes you feel.... helpless.
My grandma's nuts and i just have to love with it they say.
I'm tired. I wanna sleep and feel rested.
God.
Call me.
We should talk.
It's been a while

berdiri

Menunggu di lampu merah sebelah kiri

menanti walau tak pasti

kadang kau suka naik metro mini

kadang bawa mobil sendiri

Dua gadis tiga gelandangan

mereka melintas tak peduli

sopir ojek hampir ngesot

tak jadi marah

yang salah tak punya kaki

seandainya kau lewat nanti

menolehlah ke kiri 

lihat aku berdiri

lalu pergi saja lagi

Resensi Kumpulan Film Pendek Q: Pink Home made

It's a good thing I went to see  a collection of shorts one day shy of the closing of Q film festival 2010.  It's not to spite FPI or Tifatul Sembiring, I forgot how it felt like to go to Q and support and enjoy movies with all sorts of Tom, Dick and Harry.  People can be LGBT (if I remembered correctly), which is the theme this year, who cares ... what matters is, do you like movies? Do you wanna see movies that's different from what's in your nearest pirated DVD stalls collections?  Do you want to see something new in storytelling?  Do you want to be surprised and taken to edge of your seat?  That's the essence of film festivals, and last night I was reminded that such a thing exists.  The best thing about film festivals is really the shorts, the long ones can leave you dry if they are bad.  But come on, you've probably have seen 1000 movies in your lifetime and only liked less than ten.  In film festivals, that journey is compacted into mere weeks.  I am not saying what I saw last night was the best shorts ever, but I am very hopeful at what our local young moviemakers can offer Indonesian audience.  I welcome their surprises, and fellas we could be in for an enjoyable local movie experience, if they keep it up.

It's called Pink Homemade, with six little stories in it.  The first one, Gincu, sort of escapes me, the movie ends before I could figure out what the story was all about.  A long haired guy, telling us the audience a story about his mom's red lipstick, while getting his hair chopped of.  At the end, after he's got all his hair cut off, he puts on a red colored lipstick.  Then the credit titles.  I was fishing for my fisherman's in my cluttered bag, by the time I got it, the story ends.  Now, the way I say it, there's got to be more than what meets the eye right? I just don't know what it is.

The next one, A Bride and A Clown, is a classic Indonesian movie storytelling.  By that I mean, it reminded me of the 70s movies, with long dialogues and a lot of focus on facial expression.  If the actor is angry, happy, you can see it in their face, because the camera will stay there forever for you to get it.  It begins with a man dressed in clown outfit standing on a rooftop, puffing away.  He is not a happy clown from the sound of his galloping breaths.  Then we cut to Atiqah Hasiolan, the renowned indie actress, in a proper wedding dress with hands tied together.  She has been kidnapped by the clown, and as she wakes up and gathers her consciousness, she starts screaming for help.  The clown stands and watch her sometimes.  He shows her the key to the door she's banging.  Only after that the bride asks what the clown wants, "please, we spent too much time, energy and money for this wedding, do you want money?"  The clown smirks and says "I have one question."  He asks why the bride wants to marry her future husband and whether she loves him.  She laughs, because that's two question, a Freudian tell tale that signals the audience-look, we're going to have a long intellectual conversation on the scheme of things here-that's what I meant by this is totally home brew.  He shows her a photo of her on the lap of this guy who is not her future husband.  And Atiqah does what she does best, flip dramatically from regal like gestures to a been there done that type of woman.  Talks and stands differently.  The clown takes off his suit because it's hot, and she is aroused with the spectacle and offers him sex for the key.  The clown seems exasperated by her, but grabs her anyways and fucks her from  the back.  She seems to enjoy it.  After that we learn through dialogues that the clown is her future husband lover for 5 years.  And despite the butt fuck, he wants nothing from her.  After he scrapes off the make up, we see a handsome man, in tears trying to tell us how much he loves his lover.  He even tells the bride not to put creamer in her future husbands coffee, or he prefers bar soap and sweats his feet when stressed.  Then he gives her the key and opens the door out, without even using the key.  The bride pauses and then leave the rooftop the exact same way the clown did. 

Therefore the clown is a really a clown, and the bride a bride.  It doesn't try to approach it's theme symbolically like Gincu did, it's straightforward and as is.  I think it works,  I like that it doesn't show same sex coitus while dwelling on that issue, unlike most LGBT movies are.  I accept the long winded dialogues.  Dirgayuza (if I'm not mistaken) the filmmaker has an eloquent, very local touch to his work.  Pair him up with Hanung Bramantyo, the could make magic.  Atiqah's performance was what is expected from Atiqah, but this guy, who plays the clown is definitely a new actor I haven't seen.  He shows more screen presence even when he's all dolled up and we can't see his face.  He made it into his story, and I like that move.

Boy Crush by Sigi Wimala, was a complete surprise.  Her credit rolls were just filled with important names like Garin Nugroho as producer, Arturo GP and Gunnar Nimpuno as the behind the scene people.  There are more, I can't remember.  Oh, my friend Nugie, not quite as well known as the other guys but he's my friend therefore, important to me. 

Ok, the story is simple but oh it is so beautifully and artistically shot, that those little ideas on every line of the script made it safe onto the screen.  She probably shot it with 35 mm to for all I know. 

So there is this boy, two boys who are sharing a room, they sleep in bunk beds.  The room is dimly lit and all the props seem to be conveying the feel of our characters.  The boy sleeps in the top bunk, have recurrent dreams about having sex with the boy who sleeps in the lower bunk.  He doesn't tell it to his buddy of course, he hardly speaks in the short.  The buddy only knows he dreams of sex with a guy, the buddy says it's okay to be gay, he's got the look for it.  We see, without much words how this boy with wet dreams struggle with own thoughts.  The buddy, let's call him nintendo boy, because he plays nintendo while trying to soothe his roommate that it's okay to be gay.

The short is shot in one place, this house and right outside the house, an orange three levels scaffolding.  That's where these two boys would chat.  Then we see a girl who has a crush on the supposedly gay boy, he does nothing.  Instead he thinks of his parents and deaf grandma's reaction if he tells them his gay.  So, one day the girl comes over or rather just passes the house and some street punks start to pull her chain.  Nintendo boy says "if you're a guy you would do something about it."  So he did, he walks over to the punks and gets beaten up instead.  Nintendo boy comes to his rescue.  The girl likes gay boy for trying to save her.  Now we go back to the room and sleepless night dream.  This time nintendo boy is having that dream instead.  But, he's just a boy, what can he do but touch himself while staring at his roommate's photo.  Unrequited love.  It's not a big story, nobody dies, but it is artistically shot and you will get the point.

Munafik

A short about a Muslim gay couple living in Australia who prays and have sex.  The twist, is the boyfriend jerks off in the toilet while looking at another man's photos and that he secretly has a girlfriend. 

The audience laugh when the short shows this scene where the couple prays together and the boyfriend kisses his partner's hand.  Which is only customary for Muslim wives to the husband.  This movie was not made by filmmakers, but they know what they want to say.  No fancy camera moves, 'it was done out of boredom' said the scriptwriter during the q and a after the show's done.  It talks about Luth the prophet and how gay people where stoned to death during Luth's time, it tries to make a stand from a homosexual point of view.   Bloody hell, all the stuff FPI talks about, is actually all here in this short.  It's a satire that's very comical.  Talking about religion and how this betrays their Islam faith when all they want to do is hump each other.  Like the bride and the clown, this one hits home.  The narrative is so local, what we do and say are normally different and that's good, and fits the title.  This short does not try to be what it's not, it mirrors Mocthar Lubis' take on Indonesian characteristics.

The Birthday Gift

The movie begins with a woman (I know it's a woman, because I was introduced to the woman before lights out) fiddling with her camcorder.  We learn the apartment is in a complete mess because there was a birthday party last night.  And this camcorder is a birthday gift, and the one holding it is the birthday girl.  Everything is shot through the camcorder, so think Blair Witch Project .  And forgive the grainy quality of the short because that's part of the intention.  And we know she's the birthday girl because when she uncovers her bedroom comforter, there is a girl who yelps 'happy birthday.'  With that voice, the voice and the cringe on her face like a cat that signals 'high maintenance but cute.'  We don’t see the face of the birthday girl because the screen time is largely allocated to the girlfriend.  But you see enough to know about the birthday girl by the woman she tangos with.  The mood is happy, the girlfriend does all girly stuff by putting make up on, and we can see her cosmetics ammunition could powder the whole village.  The girlfriend wants to cook for her, and she can’t cook.  She does not know the right pan to use, and instead of the ladle she uses the knife and scrape the Teflon off.  But the birthday girl laughs at these things, she tries to warn and tells her how and what to do in a very sweet way. She knows her woman and her little flaws.  You know perhaps it was what the birthday girl found attractive about the girlfriend. She sounds contented as she fiddles with her food instead of eating it.  The girlfriend just wants to make the birthday girl happy that day, she wants to cook, clean, stuff she’s not very good at, but willing to do for the special day.  Everyday stuff, we do with our spouses at home.  Which makes it organic, somewhat natural.  Although normally organic should still be shot un-organically, you will get used to the camcorder quality, because we’re so used to seeing it at home, or some Facebook posts by your friends shot by their BB at night.  Then there’s a bell on the door, a surprise gift for the birthday girl: a bunny.  Not even two bunnies so they can play together.  A cute little bunny, birthday girl says thank you and a minute later … the bunny pees on the floor.

That’s when they actually, argue verbally, because so far, only us audience can spot the problem.  It is shot from whose perspective? Yes, the birthday girl.  When the bunny pees, we learn that our characters do realize, they have differences.  The girlfriend then finds out the birthday girl doesn’t like animals, and she always gives the wrong birthday gifts.  “Wait, I like this camera, it’s from you.”  “No, it’s from your ex girlfriend, read the card.”  The birthday girl reads the card.  They don’t go out that night.  And last scene, we see the girlfriend fiddles with the camera and we finally see, the birthday girl sleeping like a log.

I think there’s more to the story than what’s it’s willing to tell the audience.  If you’re observant enough, you will see a dormant volcano.  And it would pass for an everyday life in every couple, too. (sam)

si domba hilang

dub's bday at playground, oldest couz before, old friend bday and today... this morning, I just heard that my brother is coming to town.  yes the drama starts at 8, my sister called, my step dad called, the notary called, a msg from auntie dearest to wear anything but white kebaya for her daughter's pre wed thingy this Saturday, and seconds ago ... my brother called.
I was too late, I heard it ring ... and I dreaded more phone calls... 'twas him.  I don't call him back, he seemed to call everybody before me so, I'm sure he can manage himself, flying from Manado to JKT.
I'll see him later.  It's been over a year ... nah a year since I last saw him.  It's like whatever dude, I love you, we are of the same composition of blood, same parents, definitely different in personality.
He and my dad can hang together, that's nice.  One thing off my to-do list.

why the apathy?

He's got me burned so many times, and I'm pulling away slowly.  Mom's gone, yes she wanted us to love and support each other.  we do love and support each other.  being in the same room is another issue altogether.  we do it best when we are apart.  i think he should just take his money, do whatever he wants with it.  they all say he can't, he'll finish it all in a day, and he will come to us and trouble us.  i say let his choices be his and let him live with it, honestly i don't want to keep/save/handle his inheritance, it's his.  let him buy 100 vespas and be the vespa manado king.  let's not decide for him, because if you do you will be accountable for what's next.

Ini Tempat Nongkrong Favorit Orang Gila

http://regional.kompas.com/read/2010/10/04/08320027/Ini.Tempat.Nongkrong.Favorit.Orang.Gila-5

Senin, 4 Oktober 2010 | 08:32 WIB

SURYA

KEDIRI, KOMPAS.com - Sepekan terakhir Kota Kediri seolah ‘kebanjiran’  orang gila. Mereka berkeliaran di jalanan dan mengganggu pemandangan dan keasrian kota.

Sejumlah tempat yang sering menjadi lokasi mangkal favorit para orgil, di antaranya, kawasan sekitar Stadion Brawijaya dan tower PDAM.  Lokasi lainnya, sekitar bantaran Sungai Brantas (sisi barat dan sisi timur). Kawasan pasar juga menjadi tempat mangkal orgil seperti Pasar Setono Betek, Pasar Paing serta Pasar Bandar.

Informasinya, orang gila yang banyak berkeliaran di Kota Kediri merupakan kiriman dari luar daerah. Ada juga orang gila yang datang dengan menumpang truk atau rangkaian gerbong kereta api.

“Orang gila yang banyak berkeliaran di sekitar Stadion Brawijaya diduga merupakan drop-dropan dari luar daerah. Mereka datang diangkut truk,” ungkap Kamto, tukang becak yang sering mangkal di sekitar stadion.

Diminta konfirmasi,  Koordinator Dewan Kesehatan Rakyat (DKR) Jatim, Arief Witanto, berharap Pemkot Kediri cepat tanggap dengan mencari solusi untuk mengatasi banyaknya orang gila yang berkeliaran di jalanan.  Selain itu progam pembangunan yang dilakukan tidak hanya mengedepankan pembangunan fisik, tapi juga memperhatikan kesehatan mental masyarakat.

Banyaknya orang gila yang berkeliaran, katanya,  merupakan bukti kurangnya perhatian pemerintah untuk mengupayakan kesehatan mental warga.  “Wali kota dan wakil wali kota Kediri dalam menyusun progam kerja  hendaknya dapat bekerja sama untuk membangun kesehatan mental warganya. Kesehatan jasmani dan rohani harus mendapar perhatian,” tegasnya.

Untuk mengatasi masalah orang gila tersebut, Arief mengingatkan, harus ada kerja sama yang baik antara Dinas Sosial dan Dinas Kesehatan Kota Kediri. Orang gila yang terjaring razia petugas langsung dikirimkan ke Rumah Sakit Jiwa (RSJ).

old friend turns 32

Ok, gue basian berat.  Tenang bukan karena ngiprit, karena semacam kebutuhan untuk bersosialisasi.  I'm trying to find myself in the people I know.
Tadi kubertemu teman lama, bekas anak majalah yang selalu mengizinkanku baks di mobilnya.  
He turns 32 today and he looks fabulous, as I had always expected he would be.  Glam party, in a glam house, and I don't mean glitter, I'm aiming for taste.  He even has his own Carrie Bradshaw walk in wardrobe.  He told me things we used to do in the past and who were and still are.  And we laughed.  We were that close.
I'm not saying we'll be sleeping together soon, but I felt good I showed up and see him.  I was i reminded of who I was.  I told him he totally earned his birthday celebration.  
And now I'm thinking where do I want to be.

hujan

Dan badai sopan kembali menghembus Jakarta
Pohon kelapa di depan jendela berdisko
Kacanya menangis dan menetes
Should I go or should I stay
Should I never go away
?

Resensi Film Sang Pencerah. FPI harus nonton ini

Ok, seharusnya film sejarah ya seperti ini.  Karena sepanjang nonton saya mengangguk-angguk dalam hati.  Oh ini toh yang namanya Kiai Haji Ahmad Dahlan, saya cukup sering lewat jalan K.H A. Dahlan, pernah dengar, tapi ya segitu aja.  Ternyata Islam, di Kauman circa hidupnya Ahmad Dahlan mirip dengan kisah Yesus.  Sama-sama diasingkan, di cela, kemudian membuat pencerahan pada masanya.  Ternyata Muhammadiah yang saya tidak mengerti dan anggap kolot, konon sangat moderen, "agamamu agamamu, agamaku agamaku."  Isu yang diangkat Hanung juga ok dan berlangsung sampai kini, masalah sesajen atau dibangunnya Masjid berdasarkan geografi tata jalan, masih 'in' banget sampai kini.  Hanya kini bukan soal sajen tapi lebih ke menjilat atau kolusi dan korupsi.  Kalau masjid dan jalan, saya memparalelkannya dengan FPI dan kelakuan mereka.

Saya paling suka bahasa filmis Hanung ketika masjid besar di keraton dimasuki empat pemuda bermodal kapur.  Mereka berpihak kepada Dahlan yang berpendapat kalau kiblat semua umat di Kauman itu salah, kurang 23 derajat.  Maka di malam hari masuk pemuda yang sibuk menggarisi lantai masjid dengan kemiringan yang dimaksud Dahlan.  Ciamik.  Mungkin Hanung risetnya benar dan sedalam itu, tapi dugaan saya sih, itu hanya cara dia menyampaikan maksud tertentu.

Hanung memang pandai berjanji, pandai mengumbar kepercayaan penonton terhadap film nasional.  Dari Catatan Harian Sekolah sampai Ayat-ayat Cinta dia begitu.  AAC yang premisnya pola pikir primitif juga enjoyable aja tuh buat ditonton, nggak bikin parno buat nonton film Indonesia lah.  Dan Sang Pencerah membuatku memaafkan Hanung untuk AAC.

Dalam Sang Pencerah, Hanung benar berani mempertanyakan nilai-nilai Islam dan yang tak kalah pentingnya: tradisi.  Sesuatu yang sangat mudah dicerna.  Film wajib buat mereka yang mengaku FPI, supaya santai sedikit.

Tontonlah film bersejarah ini, tentang sejarah maksudnya, sejarah Muhammadiah.  Kalau ada film N.U saya juga mau nonton.  Bikin dong Hanung, you got the religion issue market putty in your hands.